12) ACCEPT that you have a hole in your soul, but know that you are not alone. We all share the same burden. It’s the human condition. Nearly everything we humans have created was made to avoid thinking about this, so there is an upside. We humans have made a lot and destroyed a lot. It’s mostly men who have done it, although women, if they had been given the chance, probably would have done the same. There are an awful lot of people on the planet. I am not sure all their lives should be examined. In fact, when I look at “The Wolf of Wall Street”, I am pretty sure they should not.

11) FORGET “wash, rinse, repeat.” Total nonsense. Designed to make you use more shampoo so you’ll buy more...shampoo. You only have to wash your hair once for it to be clean.

10) HYDRATE. I believe many diseases are caused by not drinking enough water. You can tell you are dehydrated (or, as Chris Walken insisted on saying in “The Stepford Wives” de-hy-dray-ted) when you start licking your lips like Marco Rubio did that time on TV. On the other hand, you don’t need bottled water. Drink from the tap. It’s great, cheap, and you’re not polluting the planet by driving your water all the way from Fiji or France.

9) EXFOLIATE. Nothing says “ancienne” like gray skin. A good scrub, removed with a washcloth, will improve your look and your outlook instantly. Do it everyday.

8) NEVER EVER wear Crocs, unless you are a chef or a gardener. Additionally, no one over 15 should be allowed to wear Uggs.

7) NEVER watch or engage in anything dumber than you. Stupidity is contagious.

6) LOOK UP. Look at the stars. Or the clouds. Or the birds. They are highly entertaining. Stop looking down at your smartphone or your iPad; it’s an abyss. One link leads to another and before you know it, you have spent the whole night reading all there is to know about Toto, the band. Honestly, even with a profound admiration for David Paitch, is this putting your (limited) time to good use??

5) QUIT reading fashion, shelter and gossip magazines. They are an insidious poison, a constant parade of so many things you can never have; designed to stir desire, envy, self-loathing, and distress. Look at Proust. He had the right idea: Locked himself in a cork-lined room and never came out until dark. Ate at the best tables, never paid for anything, and then dissed everyone he met. In print. The power of the printed word cannot be overestimated. When you see the people he was actually writing about, you will not believe he could weave such spells around such potatoes.

4) DANCE, in a real class with real people or by yourself at home. Not in a disco, where you will have to contend with those who are not as elevated as you. Motion is lotion, as my tai chi teacher says whenever I accidentally run into him. And may I take a moment to beg you not to post videos of yourself dancing? No good can come of it.

3) FAST a couple of times a week. Yes, it works, you will lose weight, but more than that, you are showing solidarity with 50% of the planet, which endures some kind of food insecurity every day. Don’t eat more than your share, and for god’s sake, only eat real food. If you can’t figure out what i mean by real food, ask an old man or woman.

2) PUT DOWN the crackpipe, pills, bourbon and burgers, or whatever you are trying to fill that hole in your soul with. This stuff wreaks havoc on your skin, your hair, your attitude and your spirit. If you think you were depressed before you lifted any of that to your mouth, you will feel 50 times worse when you come down, and see how horrible you look.

1) FIRST FIRST FIRST, you must, must, must have a full length mirror. If you can get a three-sided mirror, bully for you. The mirror is your friend, and will not lie, and if you have half a brain you can learn to improve what you see. The trick is to see it as a process, not an end. Do not get discouraged. Identify what you need to work on and let the rest of it go. Yes, you look like a potato. But who doesn’t love potatoes?? Get over it.